Becoming Well With Liz Tafadzwa

Hello BW Community. I feel like i say this all the time, but I’m so glad to be back this week refreshed and ready to pour into you. I mean it and l love it. If you have read a couple of my previous Blog posts you should know by now that I’m a root person. I heard Tim Ross talk about this, that there are two types of people: root people and fruit people. I love getting to the root of things that have caused us to be dysfunctional, bound, and confused. When people, systems, or things are functional and healthy my natural instinct is to do some research to find out what the roots are and what got them to that working place. Even though i know too well what it’s like to be in an environment where one person controls the entire environment and everyone else has to walk on eggshells cultivating a breeding ground for soul sickness, I’m still allergic to dysfunction and bondage.

As I get older, I’m realizing that there are a lot more people who have experienced some sort of generational trauma either in their childhood, teenagehood, or in some cases adulthood and are still bearing the wounds from those traumas including myself. A considerable amount of therapists and healing coaches argue that everyone in their lifetime will experience at least 1 traumatic event. I would agree with that sentiment. “It Didn’t Start With You” is a book that was written by Mark Wolynn, and I will be honest to say that it was probably the first book i struggled to finish, but I made it through. Yet it’s a book that inspired today’s topic. It’s not because it’s a bad book, but when you have held onto trauma for such a long time to the point of it being your identity, playing the victim card becomes appealing and over time addictive. We all want to be the victim in our stories and consideration of the perpetrator irritates our ears yet it it may be one of the pathways to your healing. I am also not invalidating your pain and my pain because it did hurt that’s valid. The beautiful thing though is when you shift from being a victim to a victor in your story, whatever traumatic thing you experienced, you start to see how that experience as painful as it was has made you better not bitter. Those are the only two things the pain offers us: better or bitter. This book really delves into generational patterns in families and how the thing you are struggling with may not have been your parents or even your grandparents’ thorn in the flesh but could have been your great-great grandparent’s problems and no one put an end to that pattern. If no one puts an end to a dysfunctional pattern in your bloodline, it will show up again even as far as 3 generations. The Israelites are a good example of this. 

“When we have held onto trauma for such a long time to the point of it being your identity, playing the victim card becomes appealing and over time addictive.“

I may not know the exact trauma that you have experienced or may experience in the future but I want you to first know that you are normal for being on the receiving end of such a devastating experience. You didn’t deserve it and you don’t have to walk around wearing your trauma as a badge of honor, but now that it did happen to you, you can reframe its impact on you. Psychologists say childhood trauma is generally the most destructive trauma one can experience because it happens when a person is still developing and when trauma is introduced, it disturbs a person’s normal development too. That also means the work to healing and recovery for normal development tends to be longer than for those who experience trauma as an adult. 

We carry so much guilt for the dysfunction we have had, addictions or disorders we have struggled with for half our lives, and the people we can admit that we hurt because of our unprocessed pain. It’s human nature to think you are the first and only one going through what you are going through and feeling like there is something inherently wrong with you yet 1 Corinthians 10:13 says otherwise. Here is the freeing verse “ The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” In other words, you are not the first one to struggle with what you struggle with, secondly, as a believer God will give you the power in the moment of temptation that you can tap into and not fold and the endurance that comes in resisting that temptation is what cultivate spiritual growth. If you still fall short, God still loves you, and sees you as his beloved child, but don’t you ever walk around thinking i will never find freedom in this struggle? What you are working through to find freedom or healing, someone has walked that path before and there will be someone else in deep need of that same healing and freedom.

The rage, lying habit, porn or masturbation addiction, eating disorder, body dysmorphia, codependency, alcohol dependence, drug addiction, greed problem, and manipulation among many other vices did not start with you. It may have looked different in the person before you but the pattern is the same and the reason why you struggle with the same thing as someone in your bloodline is because there is a biological disposition and spiritual tie that was not broken somewhere.

You saw your Dad scream his lungs out at the slightest of disappointment and threats towards everyone he didn’t respect or perceived to be under him you were automatically disposed to rage from a tender age. You have never been able to get rid of it completely because it’s been your go-to response to fear, pressure, insecurity, or anger. You have never had a normal relationship with food because your grandmother starved herself and constantly spoke about how every food is bad and how it makes her fat and ugly, alcohol is a temporary emotional regulator because it started off as an innocent sip at your alcoholic controlled family gatherings. You see uncles, aunts, cousins, grandpa, etc drink till they don’t know their name or where they are when they are going through stressful periods of time that you began to see a possible association between alcohol and temporary stress relief.

I want you to take some time to first learn the genealogy of both sides of your parents and write down patterns both positive and negative that you see showing up. If you still have both or one of your grandparents alive, ask open-ended questions that allow them to openly talk about their parents, and also do the same with your parents, aunts, and uncles go observe connecting patterns. Don’t approach them with a disrespectful or judgemental tone and attitude because they will withhold, but take them out for lunch and ask them about their childhood experiences. Spend an afternoon with one of your parents and just allow them to tell you about their upbringing, ask them about family dynamics, and stay interested and open. The goal is to not use their vulnerability against them. Keep confidential information to yourself. That honors them, but use the information you need to extract the connections you need to understand generational patterns. That’s what a generational curse breaker does. They don’t wait for someone else to do the hard work of figuring out what’s dysfunctional or functional but do the groundwork and make an intentional decision to partner with God and break things that need to be broken. It will take courage, maturity,  and strength, but do it anyway because if it didn’t start with you, you can decide that it will end with you.

“If it didn’t start with you, you can decide that it will end with you”

As I write this, I’m single but one of the things I consider and intentionally look at is both my side and also the person’s side of the family who wants to take the next step with me. I want to see what the generational patterns both positive and negative are because whatever we are ignorant to, we also give it the power to continue controlling us.” I’m interested in knowing what bloodline things need to be acknowledged and how will we partner with God to break the destructive generational patterns. I encourage you to spend a good amount of time as an individual married or not to pick up patterns on both sides of your family. As a Christian, you have Christ’s power inside of you to break generational traumas because of his blood but you have to decide to tap into that power.

‘Whatever we are ignorant to, we also give it power to continue controlling us”

You will be amazed to see so many things that need to be claimed or broken spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and intellectually from a generational perspective when you really take the time to learn your genealogy. So for this week, what i want you to take away is that the trauma, loss, or pain you experienced or are experiencing, it didn’t start with you. That should free you from the guilt that you should not be holding onto as a Christian. Secondly, it’s worth your time and effort to assess generational patterns on both sides of your parents because you are a mix of both of them. Many people refuse to do this because they think it’s not important but it is important because like i said where we remain ignorant, we give that area power to keep controlling us. Alcohol abuse still runs in your family because no one is brave enough to confront that pattern and trace as far back as they can to see where it started, so generations end up being controlled by it because ignorance is winning. That should no longer be your story beloved. 

I will leave it here for this week. I would love it if you could comment down below with what stood out to you and subscribe so you can notified every Tuesday when upload a new post. Also, share the post or perhaps take a screenshot of the part that stood out to you. Remember you are loved, seen, and valued. I will see you on the next one!