Becoming Well With Liz Tafadzwa

Hello BW tribe. To my new readers, welcome! You are already loved here and to my regular readers welcome back tribe. We are moving forward with our series, Can We Be Honest? It is my prayer and heart’s desire that it is not just increasing your head knowledge, but setting you free and renewing your mind. Today we are going to be talking about emotions. I have written a few posts already on emotions so do check them out, but today can we be honest about destructive emotions?

For many of us, we have endured some level of trauma that has made regulating hard emotions difficult. You may come from a background of people who suppressed hard emotions or those who let out every emotion in unhealthy ways. It’s not your fault that what was modeled was not a good example, but it is now your responsibility to unlearn dysfunctional regulation mechanisms and make room for healthy ones. Here is the thing though, trauma is not the only cause of destructive emotions, for others it is a weakness you were born with. I used to think it was not possible but I have been exposed to a variety of different people to accept that it can be a weakness. Just like how alcohol, women, or food can be weaknesses in others, chronic sadness can be a genetic weakness too. This is not to say that if you are that person, you have full permission to take advantage of people with that weakness in relationships or an easy pass to blame God for the consequences of those weaknesses. He loves you immensely, and you are still valuable to him, yet his word says “My strength works best in your weakness.” Allow God to work through that weakness by letting him manage it instead of allowing it to work against you. 

How Do Emotions Become Destructive?
Emotions are a result of your thoughts. You had to think it before you felt it and this quickly becomes apparent if you are a victim of childhood trauma, domestic abuse, and violence, grew up in a racially dominated country, or lived/worked very close to a chronic narcissist. These unique and unfortunate scenarios position people to repeatedly hear damaging words that infect their minds and dysregulate their emotions. It’s not just the words they are told, but the repetition that moves them from simply contending with those lies to fully believing and embodying them. If you were constantly told you are beneath that person whether it was because of your skin color, position in a family/company, or gender then you will eventually believe you are unworthy and begin to feel shame. To this day, internalized shame remains one of the leading causes of addictions, disorders, the cultivation of abusers, and many other negative consequences. Yet the feeling of shame does not start with the emotion, but a lie an individual eventually believed. Low self-esteem, unworthiness, inadequacy, uncontrolled anger in addition to shame are all destructive emotions whose roots can be traced back to a lie a person believed for a long time. You were taught to not esteem yourself highly because some individual was threatened by your original expression of assuredness. As a result, they slowly worked on your mind until you started questioning your estimation of your worth. The one who worked on your mind was not the person, but your real enemy who is the devil. If you are not a Christian it may seem strange or even far-fetched and I leave room for your feelings and thoughts. Those who have walked the journey of faith know that most attacks on your life are not physical attacks, but spiritual attacks. That’s why you can be in a great season of life, but move from one blow to another and not understand what’s going on. There’s another invisible power at work and you can never fight spiritual attacks using physical tools.

You weren’t born feeling inadequate and even though validation and affirmation strengthen that belief, the absence of it does not take away a child’s belief that they are enough. I babysat a baby from the time she had just turned 6 months until she was almost 3 years and I observed so many truths about kids when they are raised in a healthy environment. Kids are naturally confident and believe they are capable enough to do whatever they want to do. They don’t think they lack anything until they are placed in an environment where certain attributes they don’t have begin to be celebrated and preferred by those whose opinions they value the most. Typically it’s their parents or guardians, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, close childhood friends, and teachers. It’s not the lack of gift or strength, but the thought that began in them that laid the root of insecurity in them. Imagine if a child begins feeling that way from the age of 8. It makes sense why by the time they are 25 that lie has transitioned to a belief that’s expressed through destructive emotions. They undermine others, throw a fit if they are not chosen, and are controlling because that lie is guiding their thoughts and feelings. So, a prolonged lie that makes its home in a sick mind is the ultimate cause of destructive emotions.

“A prolonged lie that dwells in a sick mind is the ultimate cause of destructive emotions.”

How Do You Break Destructive Emotions

Firstly, you have to admit the destructive emotions in your life. Maybe it’s rage, frequent mood swings, passive-aggressive behavior, manipulation, control, invalidating other’s emotions, belittling, low-esteem, chronic anxiety or self-worth, etc. Whatever your tormenting emotion is, you need to admit that it is a problem. Denial is a guaranteed way to stay stuck. You can’t deny and also get delivered at the same time. As hard as it is, you have to pick one. 

“Denial is a guaranteed way to stay stuck.”

The second thing is you need to identify the lie you believed. Separate the anger you may feel against the person who lied to you and the lie you believe. This is where the work is because it will expose how futile it was to keep blaming that person. Lean in and admit that lie you have believed. While it may be hard to accept responsibility for the lie you believed, it is equally empowering because you get your power back. You realize if you are the one who eventually believed that lie, then you have just as much power to release that lie and replace it with truth. It will no longer matter who was a conduit of shame because you are now freed with the truth. I had to admit the destructive emotions in my life. One of them was rage which started showing up post-high school into my early twenties. I quickly traced the lie that I believed and it’s been three years since I had my last rage burst. This is not to say I don’t feel anger when I’m triggered, but I no longer see the point in making noise just to show that I’m upset. I believed that I could not use my voice because of the environment I grew up in and because speaking is my dominant gift, that lie had brought great anguish in my soul. I have learned to express my anger in productive ways to the point that most people who met me after my deliverance, always get shocked to hear I used to be a frequent rager. I want you to be delivered too and if you get this, you will be set free from destructive emotions rapidly. I know this to be true because I’ve walked that journey too

 Lastly, you have to release the lie and embrace the truth. This won’t happen overnight. It will take time, but just because it takes time does not mean the truth is not working. If you have struggled with chronic anxiety for over a decade, you won’t find freedom overnight. It may take a few years to be fully free, but you have to learn the truth from God’s Word and think constantly until that lie loses its power. Yes, therapy is an important supplement, but the word of God can get to the parts of your brokenness that no therapist, affirmation, or therapy session can reach. God created your heart and mind and he knows how to get to those sick and broken parts that need mending and healing. You have to learn and believe that God will take care of and provide for you because his word promises to never fail or abandon you. You have to believe that God will administer justice and take care of the vengeance on the person who hurt you so you can be freed from unforgiveness and resentment. You need to believe that as a child of God, you are now living a new life in Christ and have been fully forgiven so that you can be set free from perpetual guilt and condemnation of your past.

Today was a lengthy read, but my heart burns to see you emotionally healthy. I want your soul(mind, will and emotions) to thrive not die, because when something has been dead for a while it starts to smell. Christ didn’t die for you to be rejected and avoided by people because of the stench of the death of your soul, which pushed them away. Even if that’s been your reality for a long time, that’s okay too. God specializes in loving you back to life and wholeness. I saw him do that for me and many other people and he will certainly do it for you if you just let him in. People may try to make you think and feel that you are not redeemable and lovable, but God thinks and feels otherwise. You are life-bearing. Now go out, believe it, and get emotionally well. That’s God’s desire for you. I love you and I will see you on the next one.